Better Daze

What do you do when you're in a spiritual "funk"? A season where you find yourself floating through daily existence, aware of God's presence but not embracing it? Days turn to weeks and then months, and after a while, you start to grow accustomed to purposely ignoring the things of the Spirit, or at best, keeping a "safe" distance.

In a sense, that's where I've been lately. I feel like a spiritual upheaval has taken place in my life the past couple of years. In the past year and a half, I needed to find healing and restoration and fellowship. I'm still working through it, but God has been gracious, especially with the first two areas. Still, I don't know yet where I land anymore spiritually. I still follow Christ and believe with solid faith that He is Lord and Savior, but how I navigate now in my spiritual journey is still uncertain.

Introduced to Christ at a young age, I've had a close and enjoyable relationship with Him. I attended and served faithfully in a variety of ways at my church. At 13, I was baptized by water and started to think about being a youth pastor when I got older. Life took a twist when I moved with my family down to Alhambra, CA right before my senior year in high-school, and while that year was challenging due to the adjustment to change, it served it's purpose in giving me California residency which qualified me for Cal Grants which largely financed my education at Azusa Pacific University. My four years at APU are still among the best years I've experienced in life, as I grew academically, socially and spiritually. During that time, I wrestled with choosing to major in Youth Ministry or Communication, and after seeking God in prayer, didn't feel "the call" and chose the latter, with a minor in Christian Education.

Returning to Seattle after graduation, I adjusted to life outside of college, working in various city youth programs as a team leader as well as other jobs. Even though I wasn't a youth pastor, I still found myself encouraging and ministering to young people in a variety of ways. Years later, I got married to a special woman, and in ten years of relationship, with 7 of those in marriage, we went through a colorful and cataclysmic time in our lives. Unfortunately, while it was beautiful and genuine love was involved, we endured many years of financial, emotional, physical and spiritual challenges and decided mutually to part ways after trying desperately to make things work.

Despite the amicable split, I did not walk away unscathed. Suddenly, I had to adjust to being single again and seek the healing I needed while trying to process the profound disappointment, hurt and anger of a failed marriage. Did God fail me? It wasn't as if I didn't try with great effort to walk in faith with Him and be obedient. I felt cheated. Short-changed. I felt like several years of love, effort, sacrifice and emotional energy was wasted because in the end, I was older, alone and wounded. So much invested in others, and yet what did I have for myself? I felt like I was cast aside and on the outskirts of God's love.

A year and a half later, I have some hindsight and can be thankful for God's graciousness in staying by my side and guiding me gently through the healing and restoration process. I don't really know how to navigate life as a divorced Christ-follower. It's as if the former paradigm of familiar church ministry is no longer a fit for me. While OCC, the church I've been attending, has never treated me as a cast-off or outsider, neither has it truly pulled me in and held me close. I understand my responsibility to try to facilitate this, to try to get involved, because it's difficult for a church that size to be familiar with everyone who attends. So far, I haven't found my niche, and perhaps I won't, but if attending OCC is for a season, then I am still thankful for the many ways I have been encouraged and blessed through the sermons and occasional fellowship.

All this to say that I am still in a spiritual funk, but feel more ready, more open to listening to the Spirit again. I've walked too long with the Lord to be satisfied with a numbed existence where I determine everything. Life is much too short, and though I sometimes stifle the lament of growing older, I know that God willing, the best years of life are actually ahead of me rather than frozen in my college years. More time to experience and enjoy this gift of life and to learn better how to love God and others genuinely and deeply.